by: Mollie Busino, LCSW
Founder/Director Mindful Power, LLC
Let’s be real—having a decreased libido can feel like a mystery you didn’t sign up for. One minute, you’re ready to conquer the world, and the next, you’re just… not feeling it. At all. Whether it’s because of hormones, stress, relationship stuff, or just the fact that life’s busy and exhausting, it’s totally normal for your libido to take a nosedive every now and then. And if it’s sticking around, you might be wondering; What the heck happened to that spark I once had?
Spoiler alert: It’s not just you. So, how can women deal with a decreased libido? Let’s walk through it with some real talk and practical tips.
1. First Things First—Let’s Figure Out Why It’s Happening
If your libido has taken a sabbatical, it’s good to start by figuring out “Why”. Is it a hormone thing? Stress? Lack of sleep (guilty as charged)?
Whatever the reason, understanding what’s going on in your body can help you tackle the issue head-on.
For example:
- Hormonal changes: Especially in your 40s or 50s, hormones like estrogen and testosterone can take a nosedive, and voila—hello, low libido.
- Stress: If your life feels like it’s a constant juggling act (work, family, social commitments, laundry—oh, the laundry!), stress can kill the mood faster than you can say “Netflix and chill.”
- Physical health: Things like thyroid imbalances, diabetes, or medications might also be getting in the way of your libido.
- Relationship stuff: Let’s face it, emotional intimacy is a huge factor. If there’s tension, unresolved issues, or just a lack of connection, it’s hard to get in the mood.
Once you have an idea of the cause, you’ll feel a little less like you’re lost in the desert without a map.
2. Talk to Your Partner
This one is a game-changer. Having an open conversation with your partner about your decreased libido might feel awkward at first, but it’s way better than pretending everything is fine. Think of it like this: If you were dealing with a broken leg, you’d tell your partner, right? Same goes for your libido—be honest.
Try something like: “So, I’ve been feeling a little off lately, and my libido’s on vacation. I’m still into you, but my body’s like, ‘Not today, thank you very much.’ Let’s figure this out together.” It’s a lot better than feeling like you’re hiding a secret or, worse, making your partner feel rejected when it’s really just your body’s way of hitting the pause button.
3. Self-Care: Because You’re Worth It
When life gets busy, self-care often ends up on the back burner. But let’s face it—if you’re feeling drained, stressed, or just plain worn out, it’s no surprise that the last thing on your mind is sex. So, if your libido is low, start by prioritizing yourself. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself later.
- Exercise: Yep, I know. “But I’m too tired!” Listen, even a walk around the block can help get your blood flowing, boost your mood, and improve energy levels. It’s like a little “hello” to your body and your libido.
- Sleep: Quality sleep is like the magic pill for so many things—including libido. So, if you’re getting five hours a night and wondering why you’re not interested in intimacy, it’s time to change the bedtime routine. Sorry, Netflix, it’s not you, it’s me.
- Eat well: A diet full of whole foods—fruits, veggies, lean protein—can help keep things balanced (and we’re not just talking about hormones).
Taking the time to unwind and recharge helps you reconnect with yourself, which can make it easier to connect with your partner.
4. Reinvent Intimacy (Without the Pressure)
If sex feels like a distant memory, or if it’s just not on the radar right now, don’t sweat it. There are plenty of ways to nurture intimacy without jumping straight into the bedroom. Sometimes, taking the pressure off and focusing on other forms of connection can do wonders.
- Cuddling: No agenda, no expectations—just a cozy, snuggly moment. You might be surprised at how relaxing and intimate it can feel without the performance anxiety.
- Kissing: Remember when kissing was fun and didn’t need to lead anywhere? Reignite that spark by just enjoying the act of kissing without worrying about “what comes next.”
- Holding hands: Seems simple, right? But holding hands can create a sense of connection and comfort that builds over time.
Start small. You don’t need to rush back into a full-blown sexual experience. Ease into it with the intention of enjoying each other’s company—because sometimes, the slow burn can be just as satisfying.
5. Try Something New in the Bedroom (Because Why Not?)
If you’re feeling a little more adventurous, experimenting with new things in the bedroom can help reignite that spark. This could mean exploring new positions, trying some fun bedroom toys, or even just shaking up the routine. Variety is the spice of life, after all. You’d be surprised what a change of scenery (or even a different time of day) can do.
And let’s not forget—communication is key here. Talk to your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t, and explore together. It’s not about “fixing” anything—it’s about discovering new ways to connect and enjoy intimacy in whatever form works for you.
6. Consider Professional Help
If the decreased libido is really starting to get you down, it might be time to consult a healthcare professional. A doctor can help check for any underlying health issues, like hormone imbalances, and can recommend treatments or therapies that might help.
Also, talking to a therapist—either individually or with your partner—can help work through any emotional or relationship barriers that might be affecting your sexual desire. There’s no shame in asking for help. Your libido may just need a little TLC from someone who knows how to help.
7. Cut Yourself Some Slack
Finally, remember this: You’re not alone, and you’re definitely not broken. Libido ebbs and flows throughout life for all kinds of reasons. Hormones, stress, life changes—these things can all mess with your sexual desire, and that’s completely normal. Give yourself permission to take the pressure off. It’s okay if you’re not in the mood every day (or week, or month). Your libido doesn’t define your worth, and neither does the pressure to always be “on.”
Dealing with a decreased libido isn’t a one-size-fits-all fix, but it is manageable. By communicating openly with your partner, focusing on self-care, exploring different forms of intimacy, and maybe even getting a little creative in the bedroom, you can start to reconnect with your body and your desires. And remember—life is full of ups and downs, so don’t be too hard on yourself when libido takes a dip. It’s just a part of the journey, and you’ve got this!
For more tools and support with managing a decreased libido contact our therapists at Mindful Power.
Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Fertility Counseling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
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