Hoboken, NJ is such an amazing place to live and work. It is surrounded by the breathtaking views of NYC, offers the option to reside in a charming brownstone or tall condominium, and offers the convenience to walk out of your door to all types of cuisine or fitness activities. It is a true city of treasure sitting along the Hudson. It could also be quite the treasure hunt for all those Hoboken residing singles…especially during the height of the Dating App World. With an office in Hoboken, I have heard my fair share of dating challenges and dating app traumas.
The initial concept of the online Dating Apps seemed quite the match for the busy and career focused Hoboken daters. Just a few swipes a day and they could be a step closer to finding their soul mates. However, as time went by and more clients from the online dating pool shared their “Swiping Experiences” the more I could see how complicated it actually was. There were some individuals whom ghosted (vanishing suddenly), those who were sent inappropriate texts, and the serial first daters (went on many first dates followed by zero second dates). However, there were also the success stories, such as the two that met via a swipe and are planning a wedding a year or two later. Unfortunately, the successes seemed to be the minority.
So…..How does one survive the Dating App Circus???? It is all how they THINK about it…
Do NOT Personalize: If someone disappears , or sends inappropriate content, or shows more interest in being pen pals than setting up a date try to recognize that it is 99% of the time nothing to do with you. The convenience of the dating app world allows individuals to utilize the app for meeting their needs (boredom, rebounding, ego fix, etc). Just because you might have exchanged texts, matched, or even met once does not mean you need to take on the responsibility of telling them how they should be living their lives or navigating the dating app world. Just see it as “not a fit” and move on.
Do NOT Generalize: If the last ten matches have not been successful or you have not had any matches try not make the conclusion that the app is worthless. Try to remember YOU are one of the users (as well as probably many of your friends) and there are others similar to you that are interested in finding a partner.
Do NOT Define Your Personal Appeal or Future Based on the Apps Effectiveness: You might not find your match but this does not mean you are worthless, or unattractive, or undatable, etc…It just means you are in the large percentage of users still in the single dating app world. It is one tool for matching singles. It is not the ultimate determining factor of one’s individual worthiness.
Do NOT Put All Your Eggs in One Basket: You are using the dating app as a way to increase the likelihood of meeting someone you would like to date. This can be time consuming (swiping and sending messages) but it is not to serve as a hobby. You still need to fill your time and life with other sources of fulfillment (exercise, mental health, relaxation, socializing, etc). Dating is an aspect of your life and not meant to be one’s sole focus. In addition, you will be more attractive to others when you have more than just negative dating stories to talk about.
The Level of Exhaustion is All in Your Control: I guarantee if you follow steps 1 thru 4 then your dating app fatigue will decrease. Telling yourself that the process is taking EVERYTHING out of you will just make you exhausted. Instead, recognize that it can be frustrating at times but is tolerable.
So …go take to the fantastic Hoboken streets and swipe away without feeling like your wellbeing is being swiped away simultaneously.
Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, and Mindfulness. Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.