How problem solving someones discontent can feel invalidating; and how to just listen & support instead.
Think of the last time you went to a friend or partner with the desire to vent. Maybe it went something like this:
You: I had such a hard day… my partner said something nasty to me and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
Problem Solver Patty: Oh no! Did you try talking it out with them?
You: Yes, of course I did – but it still feels unresolved.
Problem Solver Patty: But what did you say? I bet you guys are just misunderstanding each other! Don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine!!
You: But I am worried about it. I feel really anxious.
Problem Solver Patty: Just talk to them again. You’ll figure it out.
As this illustrates, your loved one — “Patty” — had difficulty seeing you in pain. She wanted to get you out of the suffering as fast as possible, as this would bring down her own anxiety. Thus, she went into Solution-izing mode. While well-intentioned, it majorly misses the mark.
Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Fertility Counseling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
SOLUTION-IZING
SOLUTION-IZING
SOLUTION-IZING is when we respond to someone’s pain by offering solutions or advice. This inadvertently could hurt “the venter” by invalidating emotions, isolating them, and possibly leading to a defensive response.
At times we go to a loved one with a problem we may NOT want solutions but rather looking for SUPPORT. SUPPORT means reflecting back what you hear, offering words that acknowledge their experience (This really sucks, but I’m here for you).
Check out how this supportive dialogue sounds different, in comparison to Problem Solver Patty above:
Being supportive
SUPPORT SOUNDS LIKE:
You: I had such a hard day… my partner said something nasty to me and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
Supportive Sally: Ugh, really? I’m sorry. That sounds so distracting.
You: Yes, it really is! It’s making me worry that our relationship is on the rocks.
Supportive Sally: I’ve been there before, too. I’ll be here with you no matter what. How can I help?
You: Thank you for saying that, it means so much. I guess just having you listen is what’s helpful.
So the next time a loved one comes to you in distress, ask them: Are you looking for support, or solutions?
Language tweaks like these are small but mighty changes that we can adopt everyday in our relationships