Maddy Archambault, LAC
When the fear of not knowing keeps you from living
There are a handful of certainties in life: we all need food & water. We all die someday. We all lock ourselves out of our apartments at least once. (Wait, no? Just me? Moving on…)
However, what takes up more space in our world is uncertainty. For many of us, this can feel daunting.
You might notice that the fear of uncertainty creeps into your feelings & actions in subtle ways:
- Feeling anxious when you don’t know what will happen next; ruminating about the “what ifs”
- Feeling a sense of urgency to get things done right away
- Excessively planning and preparing for all things
- Reluctance to delegate tasks to others → taking on more than you can handle
- Difficulty trying new things, going to new places, or being spontaneous
- Avoiding change of any kind
- Rigidity of thought (“It can only be done in this way or else”)
Ultimately, trying to extinguish all uncertainty is a fool’s errand: It is simply impossible.
So, if it is unavoidable, how do we learn to live with it? It reminds me of how I ask my clients who work in (and have a love/hate relationship with) NYC: How have you learned to live with the rats? ;)
Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Fertility Counseling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
Here are some tips:
Reflect: What is my relationship to uncertainty? We first need to grow awareness on what is before we can move towards what can be. Reflect on early times where you experienced uncertainty. What was that like for Little You? What emotions do you associate with it as a result? Spend time exploring all the nooks and crannies.
Seek out the positives of uncertainty. Consider: when might I welcome uncertainty? For example, you may relish in not-knowing about something like a surprise party, being proposed to, or knowing the gender of your baby. Here, the not-knowing is part of the fun!
Use history as a teacher. You can cope with uncertainty because you have before — you probably do everyday! Think of times where you got through uncertainty, and identify coping skills you used that you can replicate now. (example: the uncertainty we all faced throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, and using coping skills like seeking social support, staying informed, using health precautions)
Find meaning. Whether you derive meaning from religion, spirituality, or belief systems like “Everything happens the way it’s meant to,” “I grow and learn through hardship,” this is a good time to lean on those pillars. It helps us hold perspective and cultivate hope.
Recognize what you can control. Identify what is in your control. This will give you a sense of security while also keeping you realistic. You will be able to recognize where your energy is useful vs where it is wasted.
We will leave you with a poignant quote on the subject…
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner, American actress & comedian